Pride

Current mood: Anxious
Listening to: Ani DiFranco - Fire Door/Amazing Grace

I've noticed that I get the best blog, when I listen to Ani. Hehe. Strange. But I guess it's because she just makes me in such a good mood. I can't do anything but smile, when I listen to the songs of hers. I guess there's just something about songs that you can identify with.

Reading through my last post, I realize I don't like it. Sure, I know it's me, and I remember the feeling that's saturated through the whole text, but I don't like it. I don't like when I'm in that kind of mood. It's destructive for my happy nature. Or .. Is it? Maybe it's those moments that makes it possible for me to stay so content for most of the time. Maybe I just need those moments of despair, where I just wanna go to sleep, and never wake up again. Oh, how dark and gothic. Baah. I'm 32 flavours and then some! ^^

It's Valentine's Day today. phish! So I stayed up 'til six in the morning, talked on the phone with Ann before she had to go to school, and then I went to sleep. Unfortunately I didn't get to sleep that good, as I had expected. The phone wouldn't stop ringing! A lot of people with unimportant messages, that had absolutely no significance to me. I just wanted to sleep, and there they were. But then my stepdad, Jörn, came home, and that was a great thing, because then he could watch the phone. Wonderful! So all in all I slept for 10 hours. I woke up at four, and wasn't as rested as I had planned. But what dreams! I don't remember most of them right now, but I remember the last one that I had. I was on a big stage and I was playing guitar, together with a few other people. I think we all we're best friends. It kind of seemed that way. There was a drummer, which I didn't connect that much with, and then there was bassplayer and a guitarist. The drummer was a little in the back (as drummers normally are), and I think it was a he. Then, if you look at the stage from the audience, I was to the right, and the leadsinger in the middle, and the bassplayer was to the left. I think that they were girls, but one of them may have been a he. I'm not wuite sure. Anyway, there was this huge crowd, that were going absolutely wild, and we were just playing for our lives. It was cool. Such a thrill! We were playing rock'n'roll, and it seemed like something that everybody could listen to. Something that wouldn't make some people go, Oh, what noise! Like so many parents do, if their kid listens to nu-metal. This was good craunchy rock'n'roll with an heartfelt edge.
I don't remember being stunned, as I am now, about all those fans. There were s o many! But on stage I just enjoyed it, like I've never enjoyed anything else, and I gave it all I had. When we were finished with the final song, the stagelight disappeared. The guitars were shrilling, and we were all sweating like in hell. It was so incredible. I felt so alive. So exhausted and so satisfied. Incredible doesn't even cover it. It was absolutely marvelous, and no matter what words I use, it wouldn't absorb it all sufficient.
Anyway (this is gonna be a long entry, just warning, if you werent getting it), after the lights went out, the crowd became a ecstatic pandemonium. Then the bassplayer, guitarist and I went to the edge of the stage, to give our hands to the people stading there. There were some girls, who were just screaming so loud, when we reached our hands our to theirs. Crazy, I tell you. Nevertheless, I suddenly walked away, lurching, while I smiled, because I remembered that I had been drinking with my friend Cecilie from Kolding. Weird. Then I went out backstage, and my mom and sister greeted me, and told me that I had played phenomenal. But as they said it, it seemed like they were covering up for something. Something that was going on between them. And then it striked me: they had been arguing, and were trying not to worry me about it. But how could I avoid not to notice. It was right there in front of me, and I was sure that if we didn't get out, it would smother us like thick steam. They then started arguing about a bed that was backstage, and my mom began to take it out on me, passive aggressive, and that was the reason they started arguing, 'cause then my sister came to my rescue. Nonetheless, they cooled down a bit, and we went somewhere I don't remember.
I remember that they made me feel sad, and when I awoke the sorrow had slipped through the fog, and into my mind. It effected my mood immediately, but luckily I don't really feel it anymore. So I don't really wanna talk about it, other than that I probaly had the dream because of my birthday the day after tomorrow. I realize that with the tension between my mom and sister, and the newly-formed tension between my two bothers, it's not possible to celebrate my birthday together with the people I love the most. I recognize that they're the reason that I haven't thought about my birthday or looked forward to it. 'Cause I knew it would cause me pain in some way. But here we are, and there's nothing to do. Luckily enough, they're all very understanding, and my sister Helle has invited me to be together with her and my nieces, while my parents are at work. Then I can come home at evening, and spend it with them, when they're finished from work. My brother Mulle also realized what they're doing to me, so he promised me that we could make a little party for me on sunday. Just him, my niece and nephew, mom and stepdad, dad and Ann!! I'm s o happy that she's coming!! If she weren't coming, it wouldn't be complete. I know it won't be anyway, but she'll make me feel complete.

Oh! And Judy just wrote me an sms ^^ or not just, hours ago, but it made me really glad. She wrote that she had been reading my blog, and that she was so proud of me for writing down my feelings, and that although it was in english, she loved the way I did it. It made me really happy. And also Jørn just came in, and said I had received a letter!! Then I looked up, and he was holding a red envelope in his hand! ^^ I was so excited! A Valentine's Day card! Haha. How splendid! And it was from Judy (x With a purdy little fat cat on the front, saying: "When I think of you..." and then you open it, and it says: "... I get really happy!" and then there's the cat, with red cheeks, jumping up in cascade of red glittering hearts! She has then written: "Yours truly, your best friend Judy." And at last it says: "Happy Valentine" with big capital letters!! ^^ She's so wonderful! So incredible thoughtful. I love that little villig og ikke billig girl <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Current mood: Happy!!
Listening to: Ani DiFranco - Napoleon