Reach for the sky

Current mood: Reflective
Listening to: I and Identify by P.O.D.

love life
noun
the area of a person's life concerning their relationships with lovers.

I think I'm in my most serious relationship throughout my life right now. And it's not even a relationship per se. Which of course means: we're dating.

I write serious because I lack a better word for what I'm feeling. Because obviously my two point five-ish years with second girlfriend were quite serious. Perhaps committed is a better word? No, that doesn't quite describe it either, since I've been in one of those committed relationships before. And again - this is still dating.

What I'm trying to express here, is that this is quite different from what else I've experienced and tried. Because what I just realized half an hour ago, is that my relationships in the past have been quite fast paced. A trip down memory lane will demonstrate:

First girlfriend. Now this venture was actually quite good, since we started out as friends and then slowly accelerated into something more. So this was actually a good beginning, since this went nice and slow. First love kinda thang.
Second girlfriend. Wow. Okay, we started out as great friends also. But when interest was revealed from both sides, everything escalated rapidly. Compared to one's first love, this was the chaotic and passionate kind of deal. The one were you just get so caught up in one another that everything else disappears. Also, the one were you're still in your teens, so you think this is it! I've found the one! And you simply must create sappy love poems and other artistic endeavors. But I guess it's true what they say: What starts in chaos, ends in chaos. Now I say this with a great deal of regards, since I really evolved during this relationship and learned a lot during and especially after.
Third girlfriend. Rebound - even though I certainly wouldn't admit this during the act (but really, isn't every dalliance after a long-lasting, serious relationship qualified as a rebound?). This has quite a chaotic beginning too (to say the least). We were acquaintances beforehand this entanglement began. A very drunk night at the local gay club changed this though, when we ended up kissing fiercely outside. Even though we agreed to take things slow (when we sobered up), it didn't entirely go down like that. Although we were both fairly confused by our sudden liaison, it quickly resulted in a relationship (the lesbian way, I guess?). Again, what starts in chaos, ends in chaos. Sadly, I didn't learn enough from this experience.
Fourth (fling). Now this luckily never resulted in a relationship. I write luckily, not to insult either of us, but to point out that this was not a case of altered U-Haul. We dated for a short period of time and as a result never really got to know each other that well. And in my opinion there's no reason to initiate a relationship, when you don't really know each other, - this experience was gained from third girlfriend - after all, that's what dating's for, right? Didn't start in chaos, but sure culminated with something close to it.
Fifth girlfriend. Once again I fooled around with chaos. But I gained something incredibly substantial from this farce. Something that had been so perceptible, if contemplated, and yet too vague for my consciousness to comprehend.

Fifth and currently last relationship, concluded the vicious circle I began with third girlfriend. My relationships with third girlfriend, fling and fifth girlfriend all have one thing in common: they weren't on an equal footing, meaning that they were initiated, because (and I'm ashamed to admit this) they were interested in me. I was flattered by their attraction to me and it made me feel wanted, appreciated and most importantly: secure. Feelings, all of which I lost after the breakup with second girlfriend, suddenly given back by these girls. I realize now what a low point this was and how unfair it was to them. But I also know that I wasn't aware of all of this back then - that the true intentions of my decisions to engage in these relationships, were made on a subconscious level. Because at the time, I genuinely believed my heart was in it.

I've ruminated on all of the before mentioned throughout this new endeavor, more or less. Because what I'm involved in right now is so radically different from my past experiences. As a result I couldn't help but examine my previous relations more closely.

So what I'm trying to convey is that I'm on completely new territory. I agreed to take things slow, because this was her first girl-on-girl experience. And everyone who's ever had to come out of the closet, knows what an emotionally confusing and difficult time this can be. So of course I wanted to respect this request, since I also gradually had become aware of how an oblivious take on things had proved to be quite risky. But I must admit: I had never for a second considered just how rewarding such an approach could turn out to be, how rewarding her approach to all of this is. And I don't even think she's aware of it. For her, this might as well just be the safest path to walk, on the journey of discovering her sexuality. But for me this is so much more, since I have been in other relationships and am completely secure in my sexuality. What I have with her feels so enriching. Because even though we may not agree on certain things, and even though her behavior patterns may sometimes clash with mine, I feel so much adoration for how receptive she is. I feel elated by how uncorrupted she is when it comes to communicating. For example: We might be discussing something that's slowly escalating into an argument. Upon realizing this, I stifle myself and analytically comment on the way we're discussing the topic. And by whoever-you-may-praise, she gets it! She just gets it!

As long as we are able to continue this healthy development, I see no limits on intimacy between us, both physically and intellectually. If we continue to communicate as well as we do now and furthermore strive to progress, I have no doubts that this will be an extraordinary experience in terms of my love life.