Current mood: Craving
Listening to: Liar (It Takes One To Know One) by Taking Back Sunday
Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol.
I'll take Marijuana to $200, Alcohol to $400, and a cancerstick to $1000 !
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Multiple Intelligences: A year later
So, a little over a year ago I took the Multiple Intelligences test, and got results which I found pretty realistic.
So I thought I'd try it once again, and see if it was any different - which it was, but not much.
Linguistic (Word Smart)
My score here is a bit higher now. A year ago it was 20, now it's 21. Not much of difference, but at least it hasn't worsened, eh?
Logical (Number Smart)
Now here's been a bit more of a significant change. A year ago I got a 9 and now I got a 7. Still not much, but it's noticeable, when comparing the charts.
Interpersonal (People Smart)
Like my w0rt smartz, I've gained a point here, from 20 to 21. Awesome, aiight?
Intrapersonal (Myself Smart)
w000t. From 20 to 16! Now this sucks y'all!
I*d like to think that the test was wrong on this one though. Since I know for a fact that I've gotten wiser about myself and my behavior patterns. Oh well, can't win 'em all, huh?
Musical (Music Smart)
From 18 to 21! woohoo. Other than the fact that this is pretty awesome, I really don't know what to do with it?
As long as I'm too shy to play for anyone, I won't be ricking out on a stage anytime soon. Haha. But I suppose I could be the famous musicians' lyrics genius?
Visual/Spatial (Picture Smart)
From 16 to 18 - Well, that's just clever, ain't it? Not really something you can brag about though. 'Cause I sure ain't going to be painting no pictures for y'all to see.
Naturalistic (Nature Smart)
One point raise, from 15 to 16. Not sure what to make of this. Yes, I do "like the world of plants and animals" but I wouldn't say that I'm just as eager in "learning about them."
Kinaesthestic (Body Smart)
Apparently, I've also gotten better in this area, with a raise from 8 to 10. Oh well, I suppose that's quite cool.
So I thought I'd try it once again, and see if it was any different - which it was, but not much.
Linguistic (Word Smart)
My score here is a bit higher now. A year ago it was 20, now it's 21. Not much of difference, but at least it hasn't worsened, eh?
Logical (Number Smart)
Now here's been a bit more of a significant change. A year ago I got a 9 and now I got a 7. Still not much, but it's noticeable, when comparing the charts.
Interpersonal (People Smart)
Like my w0rt smartz, I've gained a point here, from 20 to 21. Awesome, aiight?
Intrapersonal (Myself Smart)
w000t. From 20 to 16! Now this sucks y'all!
I*d like to think that the test was wrong on this one though. Since I know for a fact that I've gotten wiser about myself and my behavior patterns. Oh well, can't win 'em all, huh?
Musical (Music Smart)
From 18 to 21! woohoo. Other than the fact that this is pretty awesome, I really don't know what to do with it?
As long as I'm too shy to play for anyone, I won't be ricking out on a stage anytime soon. Haha. But I suppose I could be the famous musicians' lyrics genius?
Visual/Spatial (Picture Smart)
From 16 to 18 - Well, that's just clever, ain't it? Not really something you can brag about though. 'Cause I sure ain't going to be painting no pictures for y'all to see.
Naturalistic (Nature Smart)
One point raise, from 15 to 16. Not sure what to make of this. Yes, I do "like the world of plants and animals" but I wouldn't say that I'm just as eager in "learning about them."
Kinaesthestic (Body Smart)
Apparently, I've also gotten better in this area, with a raise from 8 to 10. Oh well, I suppose that's quite cool.
Monday, October 27, 2008
An agnostic point of view
Current mood: Open-minded
Listening to: Youtube
I just watched this very interesting video, which I really liked and found thought-provoking. The video is called 10 questions that every intelligent Christian must answer and has at this moment had 3,376,444 views. Now I'd like to post it, since I found it very intriguing, but also make some comments to it afterwards though.
Now. As stated, I enjoyed the video. But I'm not completely at ease with the narrator describing religious people as delusional.
delusion |diˈloō zh ən|
noun
an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument, typically a symptom of mental disorder.
I have some trouble with this, because at the end of the video, the narrator states two things, which bothers me somewhat:
"Your religious beliefs hurt you personally and hurt us as a species because they are delusional."
I can easily see how some religious beliefs might hurt a lot of people world wide. Since I am a lesbian, I have experienced this firsthand. But I think he's generalizing way too much, because even though I'm a firm believer in agnosticism, I know that the notion of a god brings a lot of hope and light into a lot of peoples lives. Because even though religious beliefs are built on an illusion, from this point of view, how could this ever hurt us as a species?
The only thing that hurts us as a species is when religious extremists force their way of thinking on to everyone else. But I don't believe that this is something solely restricted to religion, but in general represents anyone who hold opinions, which they try and impose on everybody else.
I do however see the dilemma with this one.
"The belief in any "god" is complete nonsense."
To proclaim that a persons belief in any god is nonsense, seems so very disrespectful to me. I think it is degrading religious people to mindless clowns, which for a lot of cases is true (I'll come back to this further down), but making a generalization like that is hurtful to a lot of loving people, who happen to be religious. I feel like the belief in a higher being is a wonderful thing, even though I'm not able to believe. Now I write this, while thinking of circumstances like sickness, hardship and suffering of any kind. And I seem to remember a study which explained how especially sickness, is very likely to worsen, when the bearer gives up on hope and just settles in negativity. For many people, a belief in a loving god helps them through times such as sickness, and keeps their spirits up. Now I may not remember correctly about this study, but it just came to mind. So bear with me. Also, I'm not saying that this is exclusively limited to religion. Some people are able to keep up their hopes and spirits, without the belief of a higher being. Kudos to them.
Now all of this is just my opinion and as I stated initially, I like the video. But I really believe that people should be entitled to their own religious beliefs, without being looked upon as lesser beings. Again, stating this, comes with some exceptions, since there are some religious people who I consider to be quite delusional. But this is not due to their religious beliefs per se, but more so due to their behavior, which they explain with their religion. I'm not sure that quite conveys my thoughts to the extend I intented, but I can't think of another way to express it.
One of my very good friends is a Christian and to even consider her being looked upon as a lesser being, because of her believing in God, saddens me a great deal. She's a really great person and doesn't force her personal belief on anyone. At the beginning of our relationship, I confronted her with the apparent issue, between my homosexuality and her religious beliefs. Without hesitation, she looked me right in the eye and said this: "I am a Christian and therefore it is not my business to judge anyone. That is something only entitled to God and he will look upon us all, when we are standing at the gates of Heaven."
I often think of that statement and wish every Christian was like her. She has the amazing ability to look at people and recognize them for who they are - not letting words written by prejudiced men, control her outlook on the world. I can't comprehend how she is able to believe in God, with all the contradictions, but she once told me that she had at one time felt a divine presence, and this sealed her faith in Jesus Christ. I don't understand it and I can't imagine what that would be like at all, but I accept it. Because just as I can't apprehend her faith, she can't comprehend why I have feelings towards women. And this is what I think is important - tolerance. If she and I weren't tolerant, we wouldn't be able to be friends, but because we are, we're capable of enlightening each others horizons.
Listening to: Youtube
I just watched this very interesting video, which I really liked and found thought-provoking. The video is called 10 questions that every intelligent Christian must answer and has at this moment had 3,376,444 views. Now I'd like to post it, since I found it very intriguing, but also make some comments to it afterwards though.
Now. As stated, I enjoyed the video. But I'm not completely at ease with the narrator describing religious people as delusional.
delusion |diˈloō zh ən|
noun
an idiosyncratic belief or impression that is firmly maintained despite being contradicted by what is generally accepted as reality or rational argument, typically a symptom of mental disorder.
I have some trouble with this, because at the end of the video, the narrator states two things, which bothers me somewhat:
"Your religious beliefs hurt you personally and hurt us as a species because they are delusional."
I can easily see how some religious beliefs might hurt a lot of people world wide. Since I am a lesbian, I have experienced this firsthand. But I think he's generalizing way too much, because even though I'm a firm believer in agnosticism, I know that the notion of a god brings a lot of hope and light into a lot of peoples lives. Because even though religious beliefs are built on an illusion, from this point of view, how could this ever hurt us as a species?
The only thing that hurts us as a species is when religious extremists force their way of thinking on to everyone else. But I don't believe that this is something solely restricted to religion, but in general represents anyone who hold opinions, which they try and impose on everybody else.
I do however see the dilemma with this one.
"The belief in any "god" is complete nonsense."
To proclaim that a persons belief in any god is nonsense, seems so very disrespectful to me. I think it is degrading religious people to mindless clowns, which for a lot of cases is true (I'll come back to this further down), but making a generalization like that is hurtful to a lot of loving people, who happen to be religious. I feel like the belief in a higher being is a wonderful thing, even though I'm not able to believe. Now I write this, while thinking of circumstances like sickness, hardship and suffering of any kind. And I seem to remember a study which explained how especially sickness, is very likely to worsen, when the bearer gives up on hope and just settles in negativity. For many people, a belief in a loving god helps them through times such as sickness, and keeps their spirits up. Now I may not remember correctly about this study, but it just came to mind. So bear with me. Also, I'm not saying that this is exclusively limited to religion. Some people are able to keep up their hopes and spirits, without the belief of a higher being. Kudos to them.
Now all of this is just my opinion and as I stated initially, I like the video. But I really believe that people should be entitled to their own religious beliefs, without being looked upon as lesser beings. Again, stating this, comes with some exceptions, since there are some religious people who I consider to be quite delusional. But this is not due to their religious beliefs per se, but more so due to their behavior, which they explain with their religion. I'm not sure that quite conveys my thoughts to the extend I intented, but I can't think of another way to express it.
One of my very good friends is a Christian and to even consider her being looked upon as a lesser being, because of her believing in God, saddens me a great deal. She's a really great person and doesn't force her personal belief on anyone. At the beginning of our relationship, I confronted her with the apparent issue, between my homosexuality and her religious beliefs. Without hesitation, she looked me right in the eye and said this: "I am a Christian and therefore it is not my business to judge anyone. That is something only entitled to God and he will look upon us all, when we are standing at the gates of Heaven."
I often think of that statement and wish every Christian was like her. She has the amazing ability to look at people and recognize them for who they are - not letting words written by prejudiced men, control her outlook on the world. I can't comprehend how she is able to believe in God, with all the contradictions, but she once told me that she had at one time felt a divine presence, and this sealed her faith in Jesus Christ. I don't understand it and I can't imagine what that would be like at all, but I accept it. Because just as I can't apprehend her faith, she can't comprehend why I have feelings towards women. And this is what I think is important - tolerance. If she and I weren't tolerant, we wouldn't be able to be friends, but because we are, we're capable of enlightening each others horizons.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Rebel rebel
Current mood: Jolly
Oh, if dreams could come true!
Terry Tate: From Russia With Love
Terry Tate: Reading Is Fundamental
Oh, if dreams could come true!
Terry Tate: From Russia With Love
Terry Tate: Reading Is Fundamental
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Well, aren't you clever?
Current mood: Relieved
Listening to: I Love The Gays by Mandy Steckelberg
If you don't know her already, you really should check out Mandy Steckelberg.
She's an awesome comedian and singer, and here's two fantastic videos from her:
1940's phone sex line
I Love the Gays
Listening to: I Love The Gays by Mandy Steckelberg
If you don't know her already, you really should check out Mandy Steckelberg.
She's an awesome comedian and singer, and here's two fantastic videos from her:
1940's phone sex line
I Love the Gays
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Dating Persona
Current mood: A bit tired
Listening to: Heartbreak Hotel by Elvis Presley
As always, I like to retake the The Dating Persona Test once every few months, when I feel like the result may be different. So I just did, and once again, I was right: the result did change. I'm quite excited about how my results change, since I've never gone back to a previous result. But then again, there's 16 different results s: haha.
Anyway, to catch up to speed, I've gone from: The Window Shopper (?) to The Nurse (18/09/07) to The Sudden Departure (20/03/08) to Half-Cocked (14/07/08) and now finally:
And since OkCupid doesn't feel like customizing their results to the different blog templates, you can go here to read my full result, should you feel so inclined.
But seriously. OkCupid keeps surprising me. It's magnificent!
"[...] a girl who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying her." This couldn't be more painfully true. Since this has just happened. Goddamnit, OkCupid! *shakes fist*
At least I'm just also very happy to be past Half-Cocked.
It's funny how the different dating personas mark a very special place in my life in terms of girls. I can relate to all of them and think back to that time. Arh, OkCupid is awesome.
Funny development:
Random Gentle Love Dreamer
Random Gentle Sex Dreamer
Random Brutal Love Master
Random Brutal Sex Dreamer
Random Gentle Love Master
Hands down, I like my current result the best of all ^^ Haha. Now let's see if I can find another Peach or just a Playstation or a Window Shopper ;D
Listening to: Heartbreak Hotel by Elvis Presley
As always, I like to retake the The Dating Persona Test once every few months, when I feel like the result may be different. So I just did, and once again, I was right: the result did change. I'm quite excited about how my results change, since I've never gone back to a previous result. But then again, there's 16 different results s: haha.
Anyway, to catch up to speed, I've gone from: The Window Shopper (?) to The Nurse (18/09/07) to The Sudden Departure (20/03/08) to Half-Cocked (14/07/08) and now finally:
The PeachRandom Gentle Love Master (RGLM) Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach. For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you're surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don't get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it. You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you're becoming more selective about long-term love. It's getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a girl who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying her. Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense. Your exact female opposite: The Nymph  Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer Always avoid: The Battleaxe (DBLM) Consider: The Peach (RGLM), The Playstation (RGSM), The Window Shopper (RGLD) |
And since OkCupid doesn't feel like customizing their results to the different blog templates, you can go here to read my full result, should you feel so inclined.
But seriously. OkCupid keeps surprising me. It's magnificent!
"[...] a girl who's in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying her." This couldn't be more painfully true. Since this has just happened. Goddamnit, OkCupid! *shakes fist*
At least I'm just also very happy to be past Half-Cocked.
It's funny how the different dating personas mark a very special place in my life in terms of girls. I can relate to all of them and think back to that time. Arh, OkCupid is awesome.
Funny development:
Random Gentle Love Dreamer
Random Gentle Sex Dreamer
Random Brutal Love Master
Random Brutal Sex Dreamer
Random Gentle Love Master
Hands down, I like my current result the best of all ^^ Haha. Now let's see if I can find another Peach or just a Playstation or a Window Shopper ;D
Friday, October 17, 2008
What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test
Extroverted, Progressive, and Intelligent
20 Cubist, -15 Islamic, -10 Ukiyo-e, -10 Impressionist, 18 Abstract and -33 Renaissance!
People that chose Cubist paintings as their favorite art form tend to be very individualized people. They are more extroverted and less afraid of speaking their opinions then other people. They tend to be progressive and are very forward thinking. As the cubist painting is like looking into a shattered mirror where you can see different angles of the images, the people that prefer these paintings like looking at all angles of a problem. These people are intelligent and they are the transformers of our generation. They look beyond what is seen into what things could become. They are ready to leave the ideas of the past behind and look at what the future has to offer.
Take What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test at HelloQuizzy
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Random Access Memory
RAM is quite awesome!
These make me smile:
bookworm -1987
Laying in my bed with Jenny, clutching the edge of my blanket in my very sweating palms; more nervous than I had ever been in my life. I was just staring at the ceiling. She rolled over on me and started kissing my ear, making her way to my mouth. I remember thinking to myself, "Okay, this is it. You are now officially a lesbian."
savedglory -2000
Sitting on carpetted stairs next to Suzanne. Someone said, "Look, there's the lesbians!" and everybody laughed. I turned bright red and told them to shut up, offended. Then I climbed into bed next to Suzanne and felt my stomach do jumping jacks when her leg touched mine.
These make me smile:
bookworm -1987
Laying in my bed with Jenny, clutching the edge of my blanket in my very sweating palms; more nervous than I had ever been in my life. I was just staring at the ceiling. She rolled over on me and started kissing my ear, making her way to my mouth. I remember thinking to myself, "Okay, this is it. You are now officially a lesbian."
savedglory -2000
Sitting on carpetted stairs next to Suzanne. Someone said, "Look, there's the lesbians!" and everybody laughed. I turned bright red and told them to shut up, offended. Then I climbed into bed next to Suzanne and felt my stomach do jumping jacks when her leg touched mine.
Reach for the sky
Current mood: Reflective
Listening to: I and Identify by P.O.D.
love life
noun
the area of a person's life concerning their relationships with lovers.
I think I'm in my most serious relationship throughout my life right now. And it's not even a relationship per se. Which of course means: we're dating.
I write serious because I lack a better word for what I'm feeling. Because obviously my two point five-ish years with second girlfriend were quite serious. Perhaps committed is a better word? No, that doesn't quite describe it either, since I've been in one of those committed relationships before. And again - this is still dating.
What I'm trying to express here, is that this is quite different from what else I've experienced and tried. Because what I just realized half an hour ago, is that my relationships in the past have been quite fast paced. A trip down memory lane will demonstrate:
First girlfriend. Now this venture was actually quite good, since we started out as friends and then slowly accelerated into something more. So this was actually a good beginning, since this went nice and slow. First love kinda thang.
Second girlfriend. Wow. Okay, we started out as great friends also. But when interest was revealed from both sides, everything escalated rapidly. Compared to one's first love, this was the chaotic and passionate kind of deal. The one were you just get so caught up in one another that everything else disappears. Also, the one were you're still in your teens, so you think this is it! I've found the one! And you simply must create sappy love poems and other artistic endeavors. But I guess it's true what they say: What starts in chaos, ends in chaos. Now I say this with a great deal of regards, since I really evolved during this relationship and learned a lot during and especially after.
Third girlfriend. Rebound - even though I certainly wouldn't admit this during the act (but really, isn't every dalliance after a long-lasting, serious relationship qualified as a rebound?). This has quite a chaotic beginning too (to say the least). We were acquaintances beforehand this entanglement began. A very drunk night at the local gay club changed this though, when we ended up kissing fiercely outside. Even though we agreed to take things slow (when we sobered up), it didn't entirely go down like that. Although we were both fairly confused by our sudden liaison, it quickly resulted in a relationship (the lesbian way, I guess?). Again, what starts in chaos, ends in chaos. Sadly, I didn't learn enough from this experience.
Fourth (fling). Now this luckily never resulted in a relationship. I write luckily, not to insult either of us, but to point out that this was not a case of altered U-Haul. We dated for a short period of time and as a result never really got to know each other that well. And in my opinion there's no reason to initiate a relationship, when you don't really know each other, - this experience was gained from third girlfriend - after all, that's what dating's for, right? Didn't start in chaos, but sure culminated with something close to it.
Fifth girlfriend. Once again I fooled around with chaos. But I gained something incredibly substantial from this farce. Something that had been so perceptible, if contemplated, and yet too vague for my consciousness to comprehend.
Fifth and currently last relationship, concluded the vicious circle I began with third girlfriend. My relationships with third girlfriend, fling and fifth girlfriend all have one thing in common: they weren't on an equal footing, meaning that they were initiated, because (and I'm ashamed to admit this) they were interested in me. I was flattered by their attraction to me and it made me feel wanted, appreciated and most importantly: secure. Feelings, all of which I lost after the breakup with second girlfriend, suddenly given back by these girls. I realize now what a low point this was and how unfair it was to them. But I also know that I wasn't aware of all of this back then - that the true intentions of my decisions to engage in these relationships, were made on a subconscious level. Because at the time, I genuinely believed my heart was in it.
I've ruminated on all of the before mentioned throughout this new endeavor, more or less. Because what I'm involved in right now is so radically different from my past experiences. As a result I couldn't help but examine my previous relations more closely.
So what I'm trying to convey is that I'm on completely new territory. I agreed to take things slow, because this was her first girl-on-girl experience. And everyone who's ever had to come out of the closet, knows what an emotionally confusing and difficult time this can be. So of course I wanted to respect this request, since I also gradually had become aware of how an oblivious take on things had proved to be quite risky. But I must admit: I had never for a second considered just how rewarding such an approach could turn out to be, how rewarding her approach to all of this is. And I don't even think she's aware of it. For her, this might as well just be the safest path to walk, on the journey of discovering her sexuality. But for me this is so much more, since I have been in other relationships and am completely secure in my sexuality. What I have with her feels so enriching. Because even though we may not agree on certain things, and even though her behavior patterns may sometimes clash with mine, I feel so much adoration for how receptive she is. I feel elated by how uncorrupted she is when it comes to communicating. For example: We might be discussing something that's slowly escalating into an argument. Upon realizing this, I stifle myself and analytically comment on the way we're discussing the topic. And by whoever-you-may-praise, she gets it! She just gets it!
As long as we are able to continue this healthy development, I see no limits on intimacy between us, both physically and intellectually. If we continue to communicate as well as we do now and furthermore strive to progress, I have no doubts that this will be an extraordinary experience in terms of my love life.
Listening to: I and Identify by P.O.D.
love life
noun
the area of a person's life concerning their relationships with lovers.
I think I'm in my most serious relationship throughout my life right now. And it's not even a relationship per se. Which of course means: we're dating.
I write serious because I lack a better word for what I'm feeling. Because obviously my two point five-ish years with second girlfriend were quite serious. Perhaps committed is a better word? No, that doesn't quite describe it either, since I've been in one of those committed relationships before. And again - this is still dating.
What I'm trying to express here, is that this is quite different from what else I've experienced and tried. Because what I just realized half an hour ago, is that my relationships in the past have been quite fast paced. A trip down memory lane will demonstrate:
First girlfriend. Now this venture was actually quite good, since we started out as friends and then slowly accelerated into something more. So this was actually a good beginning, since this went nice and slow. First love kinda thang.
Second girlfriend. Wow. Okay, we started out as great friends also. But when interest was revealed from both sides, everything escalated rapidly. Compared to one's first love, this was the chaotic and passionate kind of deal. The one were you just get so caught up in one another that everything else disappears. Also, the one were you're still in your teens, so you think this is it! I've found the one! And you simply must create sappy love poems and other artistic endeavors. But I guess it's true what they say: What starts in chaos, ends in chaos. Now I say this with a great deal of regards, since I really evolved during this relationship and learned a lot during and especially after.
Third girlfriend. Rebound - even though I certainly wouldn't admit this during the act (but really, isn't every dalliance after a long-lasting, serious relationship qualified as a rebound?). This has quite a chaotic beginning too (to say the least). We were acquaintances beforehand this entanglement began. A very drunk night at the local gay club changed this though, when we ended up kissing fiercely outside. Even though we agreed to take things slow (when we sobered up), it didn't entirely go down like that. Although we were both fairly confused by our sudden liaison, it quickly resulted in a relationship (the lesbian way, I guess?). Again, what starts in chaos, ends in chaos. Sadly, I didn't learn enough from this experience.
Fourth (fling). Now this luckily never resulted in a relationship. I write luckily, not to insult either of us, but to point out that this was not a case of altered U-Haul. We dated for a short period of time and as a result never really got to know each other that well. And in my opinion there's no reason to initiate a relationship, when you don't really know each other, - this experience was gained from third girlfriend - after all, that's what dating's for, right? Didn't start in chaos, but sure culminated with something close to it.
Fifth girlfriend. Once again I fooled around with chaos. But I gained something incredibly substantial from this farce. Something that had been so perceptible, if contemplated, and yet too vague for my consciousness to comprehend.
Fifth and currently last relationship, concluded the vicious circle I began with third girlfriend. My relationships with third girlfriend, fling and fifth girlfriend all have one thing in common: they weren't on an equal footing, meaning that they were initiated, because (and I'm ashamed to admit this) they were interested in me. I was flattered by their attraction to me and it made me feel wanted, appreciated and most importantly: secure. Feelings, all of which I lost after the breakup with second girlfriend, suddenly given back by these girls. I realize now what a low point this was and how unfair it was to them. But I also know that I wasn't aware of all of this back then - that the true intentions of my decisions to engage in these relationships, were made on a subconscious level. Because at the time, I genuinely believed my heart was in it.
I've ruminated on all of the before mentioned throughout this new endeavor, more or less. Because what I'm involved in right now is so radically different from my past experiences. As a result I couldn't help but examine my previous relations more closely.
So what I'm trying to convey is that I'm on completely new territory. I agreed to take things slow, because this was her first girl-on-girl experience. And everyone who's ever had to come out of the closet, knows what an emotionally confusing and difficult time this can be. So of course I wanted to respect this request, since I also gradually had become aware of how an oblivious take on things had proved to be quite risky. But I must admit: I had never for a second considered just how rewarding such an approach could turn out to be, how rewarding her approach to all of this is. And I don't even think she's aware of it. For her, this might as well just be the safest path to walk, on the journey of discovering her sexuality. But for me this is so much more, since I have been in other relationships and am completely secure in my sexuality. What I have with her feels so enriching. Because even though we may not agree on certain things, and even though her behavior patterns may sometimes clash with mine, I feel so much adoration for how receptive she is. I feel elated by how uncorrupted she is when it comes to communicating. For example: We might be discussing something that's slowly escalating into an argument. Upon realizing this, I stifle myself and analytically comment on the way we're discussing the topic. And by whoever-you-may-praise, she gets it! She just gets it!
As long as we are able to continue this healthy development, I see no limits on intimacy between us, both physically and intellectually. If we continue to communicate as well as we do now and furthermore strive to progress, I have no doubts that this will be an extraordinary experience in terms of my love life.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Teehee.
I just h a v e to mention how happy it makes me, every time I see Carah's 'Not Sure' on her 'Orientation' ^^
Heehee. But she i s in a relationship right now, and I'll betcha' that it's with some boy. Haha, oh, that sounded way too southern in my head.
Heehee. But she i s in a relationship right now, and I'll betcha' that it's with some boy. Haha, oh, that sounded way too southern in my head.
WTF!
Current mood: Drained
Listening to: Turn To Real Life by Shiny Toy Guns
Nooo! I can't believe it! Carah Faye Charnow isn't a member of Shiny Toy Guns anymore O_O noooes. But she was so amazing! >_< such a beautiful voice and such good looks also! *sniffle*
And I am SO slow! *Voice becomes whiney* Sisely Treasure *face-wringe* .. announced this back in August. Pfft. I mean, she's not ugly .. but she's just not Carah! *sigh*
Oh well. Guess I'll just have to wait and see (listen red.), if she cuts the mustard.
Because Carah will always have a special place <3 *giggle*
I can't wait to see if Carah comes up with something new ^^
Listening to: Turn To Real Life by Shiny Toy Guns
Nooo! I can't believe it! Carah Faye Charnow isn't a member of Shiny Toy Guns anymore O_O noooes. But she was so amazing! >_< such a beautiful voice and such good looks also! *sniffle*
And I am SO slow! *Voice becomes whiney* Sisely Treasure *face-wringe* .. announced this back in August. Pfft. I mean, she's not ugly .. but she's just not Carah! *sigh*
Oh well. Guess I'll just have to wait and see (listen red.), if she cuts the mustard.
Because Carah will always have a special place <3 *giggle*
I can't wait to see if Carah comes up with something new ^^
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Über poetry, gay poetry
By Eileen Myles.
Loose transcript:
Dear Andrea / I'm not trying to turn you on, Eileen / I'm stretching / What time is it? / Twenty-three before six / Dear God / should we feed them? / Oh yeah / I'm gonna take a shower / so let's do it now / Are you done? / How about I take a shower first? / Okay / I'd like you to read me the poem when I'm done / What's that Rose? / Myyrh, eerrh, nyyrh, nyyyrh
Dear Andrea / I love you too / Don't fuck up my hair / I can't believe you almost fisted me to today / That was great / I see a little duck's head / Just seperate under the sand / Are you really gonna read that? / I mean, seriously, honey / And the ocean wooshes in / Your jabby girlfriend / ka-tuum, poof, kaplash /and rolling your pants high / and the sea hits the rocks / and the seagulls hop / Man, am I in love
Dear Andrea / I've been alone all day / Spare me the postmodern experimental poet bullshit / Honey, think hard / about moments of love you've experienced with me / I want that love / Are we in a relationship or not? / Eileen, are you paying attention? / Fifty dollars, first ticket / Fifty dollars, first catcase / Diesel, diesel
Dear Andrea / You are the candy melting in my mouth / Is that a euphemism? / For what? / Witnessing your love / That's pretty good / Oh, I thought you said / hear the candy melting in my mouth / All the people like me / are thanking all the people like you / Can we call it a birdhouse? / I wouldn't take that away from you / You're like an orangutan / You're like a little brother I just allowed in the bed / Did you have coffee with your dinner? / No, I'm excited / We bought a birdhouse today / We didn't get it yet / No, but we should call it that / I am sweet
 | Eileen Myles - Dear Andrea |  |
 | ||
 | Found at bee mp3 search engine |  |
Loose transcript:
Dear Andrea / I'm not trying to turn you on, Eileen / I'm stretching / What time is it? / Twenty-three before six / Dear God / should we feed them? / Oh yeah / I'm gonna take a shower / so let's do it now / Are you done? / How about I take a shower first? / Okay / I'd like you to read me the poem when I'm done / What's that Rose? / Myyrh, eerrh, nyyrh, nyyyrh
Dear Andrea / I love you too / Don't fuck up my hair / I can't believe you almost fisted me to today / That was great / I see a little duck's head / Just seperate under the sand / Are you really gonna read that? / I mean, seriously, honey / And the ocean wooshes in / Your jabby girlfriend / ka-tuum, poof, kaplash /and rolling your pants high / and the sea hits the rocks / and the seagulls hop / Man, am I in love
Dear Andrea / I've been alone all day / Spare me the postmodern experimental poet bullshit / Honey, think hard / about moments of love you've experienced with me / I want that love / Are we in a relationship or not? / Eileen, are you paying attention? / Fifty dollars, first ticket / Fifty dollars, first catcase / Diesel, diesel
Dear Andrea / You are the candy melting in my mouth / Is that a euphemism? / For what? / Witnessing your love / That's pretty good / Oh, I thought you said / hear the candy melting in my mouth / All the people like me / are thanking all the people like you / Can we call it a birdhouse? / I wouldn't take that away from you / You're like an orangutan / You're like a little brother I just allowed in the bed / Did you have coffee with your dinner? / No, I'm excited / We bought a birdhouse today / We didn't get it yet / No, but we should call it that / I am sweet
My dear Breña
Current mood: Overcomed
Watching: All Over Me by Alex Sichel
This completely rips my heart open. So fucking beautiful. I hope that each of them forever spare each other pain. And if they find that isn't possible then I wish them forgiveness.
Bette said it best.
Watching: All Over Me by Alex Sichel
This completely rips my heart open. So fucking beautiful. I hope that each of them forever spare each other pain. And if they find that isn't possible then I wish them forgiveness.
Bette said it best.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Closing time
Current mood: Artistic, I tell you!
Listening to: Midnight Lullaby by Tom Waits
Okay, so I thought about it. The thing with my writings.
As I wrote in my previous post, I had an eager desire to share them here on blogger.
So I've actually gone and done exactly this. I've created another blog, just for my poetic ramblings.
Just not for everyone to see! *woohoo*
This decision actually solved everything. I get to "publish" my writings, but at the same time control completely who gets to see them.
As you've might or might not have noticed, I'm writing this at 7 in the morning. This is due to the fact that I wanted a different layout for my new blog, rather than just copying this one. And when I wrote layout, instead of design, I chose my words wisely, since the design in itself, with colors and shit, are the same. B u t. Whereas this is a 2-column blog, I've chosen to keep my rambling blog a 1-column piece. Which also results in no form of personal information being displayed there. There isn't even an archive 'menu'! This is due to the fact that I want to keep it as notebook-ish as possible, with my lyrics in center. Oh, and the reason I began this rant - I'm awake right now, because I'm shit with CSS.
At first I tried to find a pre-made layout. But I couldn't find anything that suiting my mood. Except the Nightingale template. Unfortunately, this template is only optimized for the 'classic blogger'. And when I tried switching to that old 'platform' everything looked terrible.
So, no thank you, sir. Or, as Calvin put it in Itty Bitty Titty Committee: "Thank you ma'am, I'll have another." rrauw.
Anyway, this means I sat out to create my own, very simple, layout. Which also means I had to work out how to handle CSS. And let me tell you right now - I have very little experience with this. Nonetheless, it all worked out in the end, a n d I've already posted some of the things I've written ^^ So all's good, y'all. Haha.
One thing that has emerged from this, though, is my great desire to learn much more CSS. Through the past few hours, were I've been annoyed by my inexperience, I couldn't help but think, at the same time: "Wau, what if I 'spoke' CSS as a second language? T h a t would be awesome!" So I'll definitely be taken this into consideration, when chosing what I'm going to study next.
Phew, this was some blog entry, eh?
Listening to: Midnight Lullaby by Tom Waits
Okay, so I thought about it. The thing with my writings.
As I wrote in my previous post, I had an eager desire to share them here on blogger.
So I've actually gone and done exactly this. I've created another blog, just for my poetic ramblings.
Just not for everyone to see! *woohoo*
This decision actually solved everything. I get to "publish" my writings, but at the same time control completely who gets to see them.
As you've might or might not have noticed, I'm writing this at 7 in the morning. This is due to the fact that I wanted a different layout for my new blog, rather than just copying this one. And when I wrote layout, instead of design, I chose my words wisely, since the design in itself, with colors and shit, are the same. B u t. Whereas this is a 2-column blog, I've chosen to keep my rambling blog a 1-column piece. Which also results in no form of personal information being displayed there. There isn't even an archive 'menu'! This is due to the fact that I want to keep it as notebook-ish as possible, with my lyrics in center. Oh, and the reason I began this rant - I'm awake right now, because I'm shit with CSS.
At first I tried to find a pre-made layout. But I couldn't find anything that suiting my mood. Except the Nightingale template. Unfortunately, this template is only optimized for the 'classic blogger'. And when I tried switching to that old 'platform' everything looked terrible.
So, no thank you, sir. Or, as Calvin put it in Itty Bitty Titty Committee: "Thank you ma'am, I'll have another." rrauw.
Anyway, this means I sat out to create my own, very simple, layout. Which also means I had to work out how to handle CSS. And let me tell you right now - I have very little experience with this. Nonetheless, it all worked out in the end, a n d I've already posted some of the things I've written ^^ So all's good, y'all. Haha.
One thing that has emerged from this, though, is my great desire to learn much more CSS. Through the past few hours, were I've been annoyed by my inexperience, I couldn't help but think, at the same time: "Wau, what if I 'spoke' CSS as a second language? T h a t would be awesome!" So I'll definitely be taken this into consideration, when chosing what I'm going to study next.
Phew, this was some blog entry, eh?
(oh, and ps. I'm so in love with this girl, and psst. her name's liv! aaand .. she's hotter than tea! and by tea, I of course mean YOUR GIRLFRIEND!)
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Love pulls my sore ribs in
Current mood: Inspired
Listening to: Not Tonight (Cover) by Pil & Liv
I have written so many drafts for lyrics since the 20th of August. No lies. But I can't seem to finish any of them completely? At least not without feeling a bit uneasy about them.
Also, I'd really love to post them here. But to be honest, I'm actually kind of afraid to do so.
Not that I fear others criticism, but more so because I'm very protective of what I write. Which is also the reason why DA hasn't been updated with my writings for quite some time now.
All of this is really rather silly, since I on one level don't consider my lyrics good enough for stealing. But then again, on another level, I just feel so strongly about what I write - because it's always very personal stuff - that fear gets the best of me.
I'm going to think some more about this and see whether or not I can overcome my fear.
Also, get ready out there in blogland for some shameless promoting soon.
This amazing girl I'm seeing is recording an EP with her sister as I type this, and I have no doubts - the result is going to be mind-blowing.
// Groupie #1 signing off.
Listening to: Not Tonight (Cover) by Pil & Liv
I have written so many drafts for lyrics since the 20th of August. No lies. But I can't seem to finish any of them completely? At least not without feeling a bit uneasy about them.
Also, I'd really love to post them here. But to be honest, I'm actually kind of afraid to do so.
Not that I fear others criticism, but more so because I'm very protective of what I write. Which is also the reason why DA hasn't been updated with my writings for quite some time now.
All of this is really rather silly, since I on one level don't consider my lyrics good enough for stealing. But then again, on another level, I just feel so strongly about what I write - because it's always very personal stuff - that fear gets the best of me.
I'm going to think some more about this and see whether or not I can overcome my fear.
Also, get ready out there in blogland for some shameless promoting soon.
This amazing girl I'm seeing is recording an EP with her sister as I type this, and I have no doubts - the result is going to be mind-blowing.
// Groupie #1 signing off.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
My, oh my
Current mood: Freakin' excited!
Listening to: Cold Hard Bitch by Jet
Really? My entire life? pfft.
Listening to: Cold Hard Bitch by Jet
Really? My entire life? pfft.
 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.) | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| You scored as The Student Dyke Your entire life is defined by two things: your intellect and your sexuality; moreover you often merge the two to lure in women.
|
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Lead, Follow, or Get Out of the Way
Listening to: Into Dust by Mazzy Star
Watching: Foxfire
I'm not okay, I can't wait for years and years. I'm totally freaking out, I can't be inside this body!
I wanna feel whole. I want the outside of me to match the inside of me.
Watching: Foxfire
I'm not okay, I can't wait for years and years. I'm totally freaking out, I can't be inside this body!
I wanna feel whole. I want the outside of me to match the inside of me.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
So We Could Deal
Current mood: Thoughtful
Listening to: My Love (JT cover) by Tender Forever
Okay, so I've been thinking. "Why, really?" Yes, now shut up.
Instead of sitting here feeling oh so sorry for myself, I should just move on. So I got my heart broken, and yes it was for the first time in 3 years, but seriously. I should be kind of happy to know that it CAN be broken. This proves that I'm actually not "dead" inside, but that I'm still as perfectly capable as ever to fall in love. Which up until this point, I kind of thought was out of the question, since my last three involvements with girls have been kind of .. pfft. Not that significant, you know? Well, of course they meant something. But I wasn't head over heels or anything. "You wear heels!? Oh, shush, I digress.
So. What happened last night was fucking terrible and I haven't cried like that in 3 years. But why should I sit here and whine and engross myself in sadness, when everything has blown over, and I'm left with what we begun with? I mean, of course there's some serious "commitment" to be demonstrated from the other side, but if she keeps her promises, I'll, or rather, we'll be fine. And I'm just so in love, so I can't help but just go with it and trust her. Mostly, because I'm pretty sure that she's aware of what will happen if she doesn't. And I suspect none of us are interested in that outcome.
So no more negativity! We have to move forward and I have a huge part in that (:
"Uuh, a smiley!" Yes, and now cut the schizophrenia!
Listening to: My Love (JT cover) by Tender Forever
Okay, so I've been thinking. "Why, really?" Yes, now shut up.
Instead of sitting here feeling oh so sorry for myself, I should just move on. So I got my heart broken, and yes it was for the first time in 3 years, but seriously. I should be kind of happy to know that it CAN be broken. This proves that I'm actually not "dead" inside, but that I'm still as perfectly capable as ever to fall in love. Which up until this point, I kind of thought was out of the question, since my last three involvements with girls have been kind of .. pfft. Not that significant, you know? Well, of course they meant something. But I wasn't head over heels or anything. "You wear heels!? Oh, shush, I digress.
So. What happened last night was fucking terrible and I haven't cried like that in 3 years. But why should I sit here and whine and engross myself in sadness, when everything has blown over, and I'm left with what we begun with? I mean, of course there's some serious "commitment" to be demonstrated from the other side, but if she keeps her promises, I'll, or rather, we'll be fine. And I'm just so in love, so I can't help but just go with it and trust her. Mostly, because I'm pretty sure that she's aware of what will happen if she doesn't. And I suspect none of us are interested in that outcome.
So no more negativity! We have to move forward and I have a huge part in that (:
"Uuh, a smiley!" Yes, and now cut the schizophrenia!
Pour it out
When I was alone
My head kissed the ground
I was half the way down
treading the sand
Wouldn't you miss me at all?
Please lift a hand
I'm only a person
Never seen you act so shallow
Remembered all the things you'd say
how your promises went hollow
as you threw me to the ground
When I dream, I dream of your lips,
When I dream, I dream of your kiss
We were tight, but it falls apart as silver turns to blue
Waxing with a candlelight, and burning just for you
Someone tried to do me ache
It's what I'm afraid of
With hindsight, I was more than blind
lost without a clue
She wears her tears on her blouse
confused and racked with self-doubt
She stole the keys to myhouse heart
and then she locked herself out
Coming up beyond belief
On this coronary thief
More than just a leitmotif
More chaotic, no relief
I'll describe the way I feel
Never thought you'd make me perspire
Never thought I'd do you the same
Never thought I'd have to retire
Never thought I'd have to abstain
Never thought all this could back fire
Never thought I'd get any higher
Never thought you'd fuck with my brain
Never thought all this could expire
Never thought you'd go break the chain
You let it come between us
It's just the second night
But I would break back nights for you
Here comes the morning after
It's in your reach
Concentrate
If you deny this
Then it's your fault
You're the one
Who makes me feel much taller than you are
I'm weightless, I'm bare
I'm faithless, I'm scared
I was alone, falling free,
trying my best not to forget,
what happened to us, what happened to me,
I was alone, staring over the ledge,
trying my best not to forget,
all manner of joy, all manner of glee,
and our one heroic pledge
How it mattered to us, how it mattered to me,
and the consequences
I was confused, by the birds and the bees
It's far too sacred,
Don't ever fake it,
and don't let me down
Like you let me down before
My head kissed the ground
I was half the way down
treading the sand
Wouldn't you miss me at all?
Please lift a hand
I'm only a person
Never seen you act so shallow
Remembered all the things you'd say
how your promises went hollow
as you threw me to the ground
When I dream, I dream of your lips,
When I dream, I dream of your kiss
We were tight, but it falls apart as silver turns to blue
Waxing with a candlelight, and burning just for you
Someone tried to do me ache
It's what I'm afraid of
With hindsight, I was more than blind
lost without a clue
She wears her tears on her blouse
confused and racked with self-doubt
She stole the keys to my
and then she locked herself out
Coming up beyond belief
On this coronary thief
More than just a leitmotif
More chaotic, no relief
I'll describe the way I feel
Never thought you'd make me perspire
Never thought I'd do you the same
Never thought I'd have to retire
Never thought I'd have to abstain
Never thought all this could back fire
Never thought I'd get any higher
Never thought you'd fuck with my brain
Never thought all this could expire
Never thought you'd go break the chain
You let it come between us
It's just the second night
But I would break back nights for you
Here comes the morning after
It's in your reach
Concentrate
If you deny this
Then it's your fault
You're the one
Who makes me feel much taller than you are
I'm weightless, I'm bare
I'm faithless, I'm scared
I was alone, falling free,
trying my best not to forget,
what happened to us, what happened to me,
I was alone, staring over the ledge,
trying my best not to forget,
all manner of joy, all manner of glee,
and our one heroic pledge
How it mattered to us, how it mattered to me,
and the consequences
I was confused, by the birds and the bees
It's far too sacred,
Don't ever fake it,
and don't let me down
Like you let me down before
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